I like to believe in the stars

I like to believe in the stars.

I like to believe that there is logic in the arrangement of stars that govern the life of each and every planetary being walking.

I like to believe that on Earth which is like a spec of dust compared to the inter-galactic existence, nothing I do is wasted.

I like to believe that each day of my life is added up at night and itz essence becomes a part of me which my soul carries towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

I like to believe that someone watches as a dry leaf is blown away by the gentle breeze of the night.

I like to believe that the sun shines only for me.

I like to believe that I am not unnoticed.

I Fear Nothing!

I want to raise my left hand up and shout "PENGUINS" in a room full of educated people, but I fear of being not-contextual.

I fear the next thing which I might do, may not meet social standards. I fear the next thing which I say may not be in line with the expected. I fear the collective will of people. Therefore I retreat to the little flame that burns in my heart and block all that would define what I could have been. My infinite potentials hide behind my fear. I don't fear my shortcommings, but the great power that lies hidden in me.

I fear the powers that could be awakened in me.

I fear my possibilities.

I fear myself.

I fear knowing my physical self, I might not get to be lazy. I fear knowing my emotion, I might be rendered incapable of feelings. I fear knowing my mind, I might be incaple of ignorance. I fear knowing my soul, I might loose all my belongings. I fear knowing the delusive maya, I might loose myself. I fear waking up one morning, and finding nothing.

I don't fear my shortcommings, I fear nothing.

Life is not a measure of central tendency

I had a very interesting conversation with my friend-

Friend: How was your day at work?
Me: Average
Friend: huh?
Me: Look, if you add all the days I have worked and divide it by the number of days. Thats how my day was.
Friend: But......thats one....

Thats when it hit me. If I was to assign my life a number, atleast it should be plural. (Right now I am very tempted to pun on measured of central tendency like- 'Blog posts are a good MEANs to express when one is in an expressive MODE', but I will not).

Where does it end? If I try to move ahead of average, it would in turn increase my average, bringing me back to where I start.

Itz a fundamental mistake in the mathematical and physical laws of the universe- measures of central tendency including the entire number system and all calculation can only point to a relative truth.

Thats why I need a steeper graph.

An overview, at the tip of civilization

I tried to take a quick stock of my life.

I reflected on words as I walked alone in darkness at beaches of Tamil Nadu.

Suddenly it stuck me. I am currently standing at the tip of civilization. On one side I could see the noisy Chennai city in all its glory. The other side was the soothingly sea, seemingly endless. I was in the middle, a very contrasting place to stand- the beaches of sand under the hidden stars.

I tried to trace the horizon but at distance it was too dark to distinguish the sea from the sky. I tried to look through time. Tried to trace my back footsteps that eventually lead me here- to the sound of waves. I fell in love with these words-

"Within the Margin of Error"

I had a good night sleep.

The largest number you can think of

Whats the largest number you can think of?

As I child I had a dream. To start writing numbers in ascending order. Like start with 1, 2, 3, .... and go on as much as I can. Just to see how far I can go, if you know what I mean.

As a kid I believed that someday I would reach a point where counting further would be impossible. And I would be the first person to reach that number.

I haven't started yet. So much for my childhood dreams.

Mirror mirror on the wall!!!

I have spent countless hours in front of the mirror, looking at the eye staring back at me as if trying to tell me something.

And when I have stared long enough, it hits me. Am I really all that the mirror can reflect? My life pauses. Its strange to find myself living. This awareness grips me and grows.Thus I reach one of the defining moments of my life. I choose the underdog. It all gets over instantaneously.

I abruptly look away.

It felt like a dot

My volatile graph finally refueled itself.

There is the place where my X- axis meets my Y- axis. Where my two dimensional co-ordinates become (0,0).

A place where all insignificant external objects around are an affirmation to my subconscious collection of stimulations I have gather even before I was aware of myself.

Itz a land of fish eating Bengalis. A land which turned Mother Teresa into what it turned Mother Teresa into.

And it happened. I stopped a cab to go home. The cab driver actually switched on the meter. I was no longer a traveller looking for a destination. I was home.

It felt like a dot.

My factual nightmare

Although this post might make me seem like a wanna-be, I have decided to risk it.

As a child I had a nightmare which is hard to describe. It would come to me when I would be alone, generally in the middle of the night. It was like the silence before the storm. Something would be moving so smoothly like itz almost evil. It would gain speed at an accelerating rate. It could not be controlled. Its like something would rise so big inside me that my limited self would be afraid of it. It’s like the fear of looking down from a height which is increasing exponentially every passing moment. A feel of getting away from everything that is familiar. The happenings would appear irreversible. Itz like a feel of being trapped in something uncomfortable with no perceptible escape. Like we are going deeper and deeper in the depths of the ocean with no sign of life. Like a lift that takes you under- towards our planetary centre. Something that is already bad is getting worse very smoothly and without any resistance. The walls would appear smooth in the dim lights only affirming this feel. The fan would form a rhythmic beat which would get in line with what was going inside me. Its like a soft whisper trying to seduce my mind into what appeared evil or unpleasant, nevertheless irresistible. Something would be closing in on my very fast. Its speed suggested that it should have already reached me, but somehow it wouldn’t but its speed kept on increasing. It was like a sleeping giant has been awoken very gently inside me, and itz too late to control him.

In those times, I failed to deny the feeling. They were as real to me as anything I can see, touch or hear physically. At that moment, it was to me- factual. All my capabilities of being self aware would be lost, loosing all control of everything. Everything collapsed in a strange sense of chaos. I was so lonely and afraid of myself.

Many years later, I had that feeling again, while doing twin heart meditating. I somehow knew what was going on inside my body. I got a sense of its source. From that day onwards the feeling never came back. Although I vaguely remember my nightmare, now, I cannot experience the feel of it.

All humbled, I see who lead me to my present.

Catch myself sleep

I have made many unsuccessful attempts to catch myself sleep. I guess my unconscious will never get to meet my conscious mind!!!

I lie on the bed all aware of thoughts. I try to closely follow the chain of what I am thinking so that I can track my last thought before I get unconscious due to the sleep. It mysteriously never works.

I sometimes have another problem. I become aware of my thoughts and before I realise it, the awareness becomes my thoughts. The more I try to fight it, it gets more complicated. Well, I am fighting it out in my thoughts. I think about what I shouldn't be thinking and as the chain of thoughts progresses I loose track of the exercise.

How am I suppose to tell my mind not to think anything, without thinking?

To incorrectly quote Shakespeare (he said this in Latin)- "It is dream stuff we are made of."

Trust me, this one thought can change your life upside down in a fraction of seconds. Just like only when someone is woken up from his sleep and realises all he/she was dreaming is unreal (while asleep the dream seems real), life just could be a sleep where our every comprehension is a dream and therefore unreal.

Someone just might wake me up in some other world and I would stop dreaming, and everything as I shift my consciousness out cease to exist.

The call

Someone calls me in silence.

I find myself too preoccupied with more unimportant things to do than answer my own voice of silence. I stare at the truth and choose the unreal. I consciously pick the underdog.

The day I was aware of the call (thanks to pranic healing), my life changed. Its like someone telling you the end of a murder mystery book/movie. I cannot ignore it anymore. I reached a point of no return.

Sometimes when I am enjoying with my friends in a party, I hear a whisper. Everything fades into the background. I know the unreal. I continue with awareness for a while before my distractions gets louder.

Day after day, I forget to pay attention to my silence, but atleast itz somewhere there popping up at every given opportunity never giving up on me.

Sometimes, I look into a mirror with amazement as my search into how I find myself living echoes through my eyes. I feel scared of myself.

I have had sleepless nights with such thoughts.

I urgently need a teapot.

I was making a list of things people have gifted me in the last two years-

1. A deodorant
2. A black shirt with words written on it (which is not only offensive to the reader but female gender overall).
3. A pen.
4. A bright red cargo pants which makes me look gay.
5. A mini picture of Sri Aurobindo (the gifter thought it was a picture of Tagore)
6. A music CD with extremely abusive lyrics
7. A half burnt candle
8. A yellow plastic duck.

9. A second hand book.
And yes, someone has promised to buy me a celotape from her first salary.

Now, can someone please buy me some real gifts? Something I can really use. Like a teapot. I dont have a teapot. What should I do when I have to drink tea?

How embarassing would it be if I had to pour tea directly into the cup.

I am not a number!

I am not a number!

It is very insensitive to call me F07055. I disapprove of any digits assigned to me by educational institutes. Is my name that verbous? This is what Roger Waters called "The Wall".

Homer disagrees- "I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people look deep within my soul and assign me a number based on the order in which I joined."

I thought I was grown up for all this when I was suddenly assigned an employee number. I guess I am still to make an identity where no one calls me a number.

I am aware, those classroom roll calls were never because the teacher misses you.

Mastering laziness

Sir Homer simpsons said, "Anything that takes more than 12 steps isn't worth doing!"

Whats common between a saint and a lazy man? They spend their every waking moment to achieve nothingness or sunya. Israel Regardie wrote a book, lazy man's guide to relaxation (and I wonder why it was a small book with big fonts.) He explained how being lazy was not easy. Seinfeld agrees- "I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. "

I gave laziness a chance at work. I tried pretending to work. I do not understand the concept of pretending to work. If I move my hands in a way it should move, while pretending to work, the work eventually gets down. Its frustrating at times.

I am still trying to master laziness.