I Fear Nothing!

I want to raise my left hand up and shout "PENGUINS" in a room full of educated people, but I fear of being not-contextual.

I fear the next thing which I might do, may not meet social standards. I fear the next thing which I say may not be in line with the expected. I fear the collective will of people. Therefore I retreat to the little flame that burns in my heart and block all that would define what I could have been. My infinite potentials hide behind my fear. I don't fear my shortcommings, but the great power that lies hidden in me.

I fear the powers that could be awakened in me.

I fear my possibilities.

I fear myself.

I fear knowing my physical self, I might not get to be lazy. I fear knowing my emotion, I might be rendered incapable of feelings. I fear knowing my mind, I might be incaple of ignorance. I fear knowing my soul, I might loose all my belongings. I fear knowing the delusive maya, I might loose myself. I fear waking up one morning, and finding nothing.

I don't fear my shortcommings, I fear nothing.

As long as the candle burns

Somewhere, it burns as a proof of our life.

The fire that provides stimulation to even the faintest efforts in this creation- constantly creating stuff out of absolute emptiness.

If the only thing truly complete is the sum-total of all there is, then this aspect of addition is the fire which adds one thing at a resulting in the stuff ranging from a slightest movements of air squeezing in and out through my nostrills to the intergalactic dance of heavenly bodies.

Its the flame that doesn't burn in time or space, but defines it. It burns in a secret location of our minds.

Choice of words dilemma

Not sure how to start this post.

Words loose meaning every second in this dynamic environment putting forward many challenges of grammar and correct usage of words.

As I aimlessly ventured to return to my work place, I encountered my office mate-

"did you come down for lunch? aaaghh..... did you go down for lunch? not sure which one is gramatically correct right now!"

We were in the elevator.

Life is not a measure of central tendency

I had a very interesting conversation with my friend-

Friend: How was your day at work?
Me: Average
Friend: huh?
Me: Look, if you add all the days I have worked and divide it by the number of days. Thats how my day was.
Friend: But......thats one....

Thats when it hit me. If I was to assign my life a number, atleast it should be plural. (Right now I am very tempted to pun on measured of central tendency like- 'Blog posts are a good MEANs to express when one is in an expressive MODE', but I will not).

Where does it end? If I try to move ahead of average, it would in turn increase my average, bringing me back to where I start.

Itz a fundamental mistake in the mathematical and physical laws of the universe- measures of central tendency including the entire number system and all calculation can only point to a relative truth.

Thats why I need a steeper graph.

Captured in eternity

"Time alone is awake when all things are asleep"

These words are from Mahabharata, spoken by Sanjaya to Dhitarashtra. After the war, when the blind king is dejected and suicidal, Sanjaya reveals to him the secret of time which almost instantaneosly heals him of all his pain.

As I type this specific line, I am simply experiencing the details of writing this post in time. All my stimulations are broken down for me by moments continously interchanging past and the future in an unstatic manner as a concept in my mind. Time provides a dimention by which I can define space as being capable of change. It breaking down absolute truths into comprehendible ideas. It provides a background for my mind- to experience stuff.

"Time passes over all things without being retard........Time is incapable of being overcome."

Lets just hope no one ever tells me this.

Someone- "I could not finish the work as I had no time."
Me-"Are you telling me you could not finish the work because you lost all connections with the dimention of time thereby freezing your physical aspect into indivisibility of moments and the fact that you are captured in this eternal realm of emptiness has rendered you incapable of performing any task???"

I dont think itz an acceptable excuse.

Social conventions are just bad ergonomics.

The collective will of all who have walked on this planet in mortal form is defined by the default option.

Whats up with all these social conventions, like really?

It reduces optimum utilisation of limited resources, would make us look dumb in front of someone who is not from humanity and is simply a bad ergonomics.

The clowns are laughing at us. Maybe, they are right.

I am not that hungry that I would eat my own imagination

I went for a walk with my thoughts. As I watched, he smiled and showed me of his kitchen. I told myself-

“I am not that hungry that I would eat my own imagination”.

I eventually did. Unsatisfied, I made conversation with the backup. We dug sands at the beaches and played in mud. We made temporary toys of footprints. I was the land, the sea reached out to, momentarily and continuously. Then it rained, but it didn’t matter to the waves.

I felt hungry again.

A lot happened in between. Things I will never know.

My business proposal- edible sofa

I have been thinking a lot about advantages of starting my own business. For that I need a thing. Like something I can tell people I am doing business off.

So far I have thought of edible sofa. One can get comfortable in the piece of furniture and dont even have to get up for food. We will try to avoid sticky stuff. It may attract wild life but thats the risk one has to take with all the comfort. It would have an expiry date.

Can you imagine when someone goes to buy sofa he would find in the brochure-

Sofa set

MRP- Rs. 5000

Calories 1200 units

Sugar- 15%

Vitamin- 5%

Fat- 45%

Others- 35%

My company's short term projected balance sheet looks like-

Liabilities

Equity 100

(10 shares @ Rs10 owned by Saurav)

Assets

Goodwill 100

Do you thinks the banks will dig it?

We need more words that can match up to the increasing number of things.

“Why do we do what we do? "

The question is simply too generalistic for anyone to be confused about what answer is being looked for. That’s why people have stopped asking such macro questions. Its simply too confusing and only adds to our already existing lack of clarity.

Each word can mean too many things. If we modestly take a universe where each word only means two things, the probability of guessing accurately what it means would be (I am forgetting the name of this formula)-

7C7 * (1/2)^7 * (1/2)^0 = 1/128

If we want to get our humanity out of here sooner, we need to do something about this.

Does what you are reading exist?

If you are read this, you would find yourself only percieving it, as reality is in the mind.

Is the fan running because we can feel the air move around our skin or in our heads we want to relate the comfort of chemical changes in our skin to an external object relating to a common association which when added defines our very shallow life living in housed with fans.

In truth, I don’t sit write this, I simply associate all externals which add up to it. So one cannot be said to have the power to convince me that I am writing this without getting in my head, or conditioning my head into what society makes everyone believe is true according to the collective will of people paralysed by self relating categories of blindness.

The same collective will of people, because of which we have our clothes on.

Nothing exist considering we are rounding of everything else that defines the thing.

I got a theory thats explain why nothin can exist.

Lets say there is a thing. We keep reducing its size continously for infinity. A point will be reached when it cannot be reduced anymore because it almost wouldn't exist. But a thing cannot just vanish, can it? What would happen eventually?

I wonder if any scientific experiment is currently going on on this.

Once it gets unimaginably small, its size can be rendered insignificant and therefore we can round it off to zero.

In that perspective, all things that doesn't exist could be because they are all getting rounded off.

What if this hypothesis is true? It means all things exist everywhere all the time. If thats true the very definition of a thing is lot as we have nothing to distinguish it from omnipresence.

Nothing exist considering we are rounding of everything else that defines the thing.

I prayed to an ordinary owl- tricked by my own mind

According to the legent there lived a sorcerer named Sita in the Indo-China border. She granted wishes and owls were her medium of sending and recieving messages.

As I read about this in a book titles "Oriental Magic" I let out a quick prayer to her. Then I forgot about it.

Then it happened.

In the darkness of the night view of my balcony, an owl flew in and sat right on the bark in front of me. It was an hair raising experience. I let out another prayer and directed it towards the owl.

It could not have been a co-incidence. In three years of chennai I has seen an owl for the first time and that also just after reading the book. It was too perfect to discard. The probability would only conclude to something spooky.

Then I thought some more. The probability of seeing an owl that day after reading the book was very less. I read about many other things in that book. So the probability of any one of those many things happening would be higher. I read many books. The probability of a thing happening after I have read it atleast once out of many books I have read is even higher. Infact the probability of it not happening is negligible when I take time as infinity.

I dont blame the owl. I was tricked by my own shallow approach towards laws of probability.

An overview, at the tip of civilization

I tried to take a quick stock of my life.

I reflected on words as I walked alone in darkness at beaches of Tamil Nadu.

Suddenly it stuck me. I am currently standing at the tip of civilization. On one side I could see the noisy Chennai city in all its glory. The other side was the soothingly sea, seemingly endless. I was in the middle, a very contrasting place to stand- the beaches of sand under the hidden stars.

I tried to trace the horizon but at distance it was too dark to distinguish the sea from the sky. I tried to look through time. Tried to trace my back footsteps that eventually lead me here- to the sound of waves. I fell in love with these words-

"Within the Margin of Error"

I had a good night sleep.

Mortals and random numbers

"Sit and write 100 random numbers and upload it in the software you are developing!"

By this statement, I was not playing a fool.

My friend, at office was trying to figure out how to generate an extreme random number using a computer language. We can provide logical process to generate a random number everytime, but then they are not really random. We came up with solution 1 to increase the randomness of the number. It looked like a brilliant idea. But we forgot something intutive.

Can we quantify randomness? A number is either random or its not. Its like a yes or a no. I would be wrong if the below conversation makes any sense-

Person 1- Is it raining?
Person 2- Eighty three

It is at this point I invented another method by which the ultimate number can be generated. Thats when I had this idea and I said what I said (Refer to the 1st line of this article).

Us mortals are the only ones who can generate true random numbers.

What we didn't realise that we were discussing the secrets of life in the light of its very definition or something similar. It felt like something we already knew.

The largest number you can think of

Whats the largest number you can think of?

As I child I had a dream. To start writing numbers in ascending order. Like start with 1, 2, 3, .... and go on as much as I can. Just to see how far I can go, if you know what I mean.

As a kid I believed that someday I would reach a point where counting further would be impossible. And I would be the first person to reach that number.

I haven't started yet. So much for my childhood dreams.

Cant things be justified merely by their existence?

Lets take a hypothetical thing or a situation that exists because of itself.

Let me try to give you an example. If suppose I was in an office meeting and I suddenly asked the person next to me (it did not happen but I some day dream to)-

“Do you think a penguin can hold a stapler considering the stock options or washing machines?”

It would be like social experiment.

There is no reason for me to say such a thing. It would be an attempt to push the social conventions a little. If I was asked for a justification, I would simply argue that I said it because I said it. Is this argument acceptable as a default in our society? Social conventions and randomness have a very interesting relation.

Trying to trace back the cause of what I said would eventually lead to itself thereby dooming us in an ever going loop. On the logical level, to interpret its graphical representation (made in paint during office hours) would not require a lot of thought.

Think off-beat

Rice and communism

Speaker of the house is not the surround sound music system installed in the parliament.

This wisdom of Scott Adams was little realized by the left party before the previous elections.

Once in one of their party meetings somebody remarked that Trinamool Congress was a serious threat. Everybody laughed uncontrollably. Some fell of their chairs and rolled on the ground laughing. Everyone has a good sleep that night.

They were the ones with all the guns.

Then came the Singur issue. To compensate for the incompetencies of communism, they decided to forcefully sell lands at an extremely cheap rate to the very corporate their entire philosophy does not recognize. When Mamata Banerjee got angry, they thought it was just the wrong time of the month for her. But things escalated.

They had eaten too much of rice to do anything about it so they called for a strike. They had a nice holiday and everyone had more rice.

We all know how it ended. Mamata Banerjee laughed her way to the vote bank while the Left collected pieces. Now, the oil price rise is a serious issue for them. It may lead to inflation. The communists were not happy. Not only are they loosing popularity, they have to pay more for rice?

As the regional politics unfolded, we saw BJP flags on Howrah Bridge. The only reason I wouldn't vote for BJP is that they would further complicate the situation unnecessarily.

Thoughts on Tilangana issue

Dividing states could be a problem for map makers.

Now, if the state's size gets smaller, it will be difficult to fit their names in their respective areas on the map.

Even if we form a separate state, we should atleast come up with a smaller name.

It wouldn't be so much of a problem, if it was a coastal state. We can easily write the name in the water body (thankfully India is blessed with waterbody on three sides) and indicate it to the state with an arrow.

Alternatively, the map makers can use smaller fonts sizes, or zoom in.

De-attachment to the broken pen cap.

It happened. I broke my pen cap.

Just another example of impermanence of anything physical.

I just floated through the entire experience without any control of my movements. I observed it from a point completely dis-associated from my physical hands.

But there was a fraction of seconds when the pen cap was broken and not broken at the same time.

I notices that there was a single unit of time when the pen cap was transformed into a contaminated piece of plastic. If we freeze frame time at exactly the mid- point of this transformation, we might discover the secrets of life and death.

This moment is the truth creator. The sourceless vacumn of creation.

I am completely de-attached to the pen cap.

For long term interest of the shareholders, we should buy a coloured printer

Using only black and white printout constrains my capability of self expression.

Life in office would be so much more eventful if we had access to coloured printer.I generally have to take printouts of excel sheets.

Without colour, importance of matter in each cel of the excel sheets is at a common platform and there is very little we can do if we want the reader to discriminate, as in give more importance to a certain area of the printout.

I could use to the colour printout to manipulate people on a sub conscious level. I would use lots of red to scare people of. Dark blue to sooth them. Pink to subtly mock them. If I don't like someone, I would use brown or light yellow (which might be a little difficult to read).

To de-highlight something- I would use black,

Printout reader: You have not mentioned the disadvantages of the project.
Me: I have. Itz written right on the top, in black fonts.

Contrasting colours would also communicate my emotions. Think about all you can do with colourful number. Get things moving. Motivate people.

For long term interest of the shareholders of our company, we should buy a coloured printer.

A marwari cannot have a perfectly inelastic demand curve

"Itz not because he is an MBA, but because he is a marwari."

Shraddha corrected her mother when she was impressed with my bargaining skills. I couldn't disagree.

There is a reason I support Mamata Banerjee. Even though living in Bengal, there is a part of my blood which belongs to the marwari community which is always actively involved in continuously blocking my mind from comprehending communism or anything that is even remotely related to communism.

The elasticity of demand for a good would always be different for a Punjabi, Gurati, Marwari or a Tamilian. Marwari economics can be a new field of study altogether. I guess a true economist has to be a racialist. But they play safe. The non- existence of this problem is another one of their cleverly drafted assumptions.

Taste and preference remaining constant.

Mirror mirror on the wall!!!

I have spent countless hours in front of the mirror, looking at the eye staring back at me as if trying to tell me something.

And when I have stared long enough, it hits me. Am I really all that the mirror can reflect? My life pauses. Its strange to find myself living. This awareness grips me and grows.Thus I reach one of the defining moments of my life. I choose the underdog. It all gets over instantaneously.

I abruptly look away.

Follow the yellow brick road

"You havent exactly followed the yellow brick road, have you?"

I was once asked this life altering question, only to not pay any attention. What is more interesting is the conversation that lead to that question.

Me: Could someone help me with my thoughts? I cant decide whats my fav colour!!!
Veena: I think it shoud be yellow...taking into consideration the yellow submarine and the yellow brick road :):) Hey guys..let's all go to the emerald city...and ask the Oz once more for brains...for Saurav
 Me:Veena, there is no such thing as Oz. The only thing real on this planetory existence is the talkin scare crow, the moving tin man and the over friendly lion (and of course the monkey with wings who cannot fly). :)
Veena: Oh Oz is there if u believe...How do u think the scare crow strated talkin and the tin man started moving and the lion became friendly?
 Me: I know it is very tempting to relate these events to the presense of Oz. Existence of oz depends on to whom it relates to. If we create our own dreams, it might be real for us, but for the world at large, its just your imagination. He might be living within your grey matter (depending on your shoe colour) but in the world of absolute, there is no Oz. (Did u just ignore the monkey? If it wasnt for the monkey ur stupid scare crow wud be dead already)
Veena: Dude its becos of the stupid winged monkley that the scarecrow almost died. You haven't exactly followed the yellow brick road, have you?

I guess we were too immatured to arrive at concrete implications to the actions of the winged monkey without relating it to something which is absolute by destiny.

I will be end this abruptly as I have a point to prove.

The Earthling's quest for coffe in this infinite universe

Is this Earthlife all I get in this infinite universe, so large in size that even thinking about would make your head spin?

Compare this huge endless vacumn of space stretching across millions of unknown galaxies to the distance from my office desk to the coffee machine.

I sometimes even get lazy to get up from my desk to get myself coffee. How can I carry the burden of this awareness and not feel insignificant. I feel like the grain of salt smashed further into pieces so small like its almost not there. A non-existent piece of hopeless yet highly complicated design with no direction whatsoever solely because of the distance in this ever expanding universe.

I am glad I enjoy the taste of coffee.

Without time, I would be one thing forever.

What if there was no time? I would have to be one thing forever.

Everything would be the same all the time. The very fabric of the universe would collapse within itself and our minds would have have nothing to refer to.

The intense pressure built by the defragmented moments held together would fail to explode as its time would have frozen dimensions of forms and thus only the objective of life would remain drifting alone without any impulse failing to find any laws of physics to define itself.

I feel this is actually happening in some dimensions we cannot possibly comprehend.

Sadly all I have is words, each of which points to something concrete.

Do lights have a source different from its origin?

How is it possible? If light infact did have a source different from its origin, it would also be called its origin. This seemingly unimportant question is not just silly, but also incorrect.

But a wrong question doesnt necessarily mean it does not have an answer.

Light having an origin differnt from its source might seem like a grammatical impossibility. It looks very tempting to logicallly think ourselves out of it.

Thats when the creativeness of a disoriented random thought generating mind with a power to resist the temptation of proper reasoning as defined by the collective will of this mankind will rub his/her hands as if he/she is upto something.

Some call it incorrect grammar, some call it abstract.

It felt like a dot

My volatile graph finally refueled itself.

There is the place where my X- axis meets my Y- axis. Where my two dimensional co-ordinates become (0,0).

A place where all insignificant external objects around are an affirmation to my subconscious collection of stimulations I have gather even before I was aware of myself.

Itz a land of fish eating Bengalis. A land which turned Mother Teresa into what it turned Mother Teresa into.

And it happened. I stopped a cab to go home. The cab driver actually switched on the meter. I was no longer a traveller looking for a destination. I was home.

It felt like a dot.

Identical oranges

I like oranges. Not the color.

Its difficult to decide which out of the three orange to eat first. They are all similar. If they were different I could determine the choice of order based on the differential factor.

How can I conclusively choose a favorite out of three identical objects?

Historically, I have always picked the one which was more easily accessible. Not sure if it the ideal approach.

Just realized, it was very lazy of someone to name a fruit by its color. The integrity of the entire shade is diminished.

Also it is confusing. Just like orange traffic lights. What were they thinking? We can either stop or go. Is their a third option?

Call me a loser, but I stop at orange lights and think.

Microsoft excel tips (not for beginners)

Finally I have decided to make my blog useful. Here are some useful Microsoft excel tips.

How can we link a cel to an already related cel, without creating a circular loop using vlookup?

Well, please don't put a lot of thought into this. It cannot be done. Attempting to do this is like challenging simple laws of the mathematics like addition and subtraction. Thats why we need unconventional method.

Type "857UY_" in the first cel and click F9. Using a USB port, connect your PC to a washing machine and press the start button in the washing machine. Wait for a few seconds. If you feel like staring at any cel (in the excel sheet), do not resist. And remeber, never press Alt+F+C.

Alternatively, try jumping off the window. It may not work, but there is no harm in trying.

If nothing works, try my backup plan. I give you three words. "Om Namah Shivay". Keep repeating this till you see a white light. Do not let go of it. You can direct all your excel related questions to it.

Enough of this non- sense, now I will tell you something on a serious note. Excel can teach us lessons of life.

If you reduce the font size, it does not reduce the file size.

Long live microsoft excel!!!

How much should I recline on my chair to maximize productivity?

How much should I recline on my chair to maximize productivity?

I adjust it from time to time to suit my motivational level. It was before a month when I also realized I could adjust its distance from the ground.

I can run a maxima and minima test using calculus based derivatives to arrive at the ideal angle. Instead I use trial and error method.

Many physiological and seasonal factors derive my dynamic and ever changing relation with my chair. I sometimes give more importance to my relative angular elevation of my eyes to the PC than the comfortable placement of my hands so that it can move freely between the mouse and keyboard.

I feel like the master of the chair. With great power comes great responsibility. So I try not to be too comfortable.

No matter what I do my angle of recline will always be a supplementary angle (that is it adds up to 180*) to its adjacent angle. I guess complaining about universal and all pervading laws of physics is extreme pessimism.

Although I have full sympathies for people who are currently sitting on an ordinary chair, I feel blessed that Irevna gives me the flexibility.

I sit on the chair, looking back at what lead me to my seat. I feel the power. I feel the opportunities in different styles I can adjust the chair.

But unfortunately I also believe in destiny. That’s me surrendering.

If only the still waters of the night could write.....

Finally I found a place to rest my mind.

Its a showdow of a forest reflected in the river that flows there. The flowing river stilled by the night. Just enough light to see the faded horizon. Life stands motionless, darkened and deactivated. Temporarily, the night beauty of the Malayali land of coconuts became the state of my mind. Is it the Periyar river, where the Malu girls get their eyes from?

A purple shade spread evenly throughout.

I searched for the reflection of the stars in the water. I searched for the forest by itz edge. I searched for the last signs of night, before morning light would break the silence. I searched for a destination for my eyes. I knew we were close to the sea and I was hungry for the seagulls meat.

Did the birds know it was night? Were the fishes asleep?

It was the kind of night sky that hides within itz vastness the truth from those who have false dreams under roofs of thatched hay and grilled window.

The magnitude of the stars brought loneliness. How could I carry the itz burden when they themselves had taught me insignificance. It felt like a vacumn where the dead goes in silence for a rest. Like a white flower blooming softly by the silver moon.

They say we should not live in the past or future. I was not even experiencing the present moment. I was experiencing the eternal in the motionless water.

If only the still waters of the night could write, I wouldn’t be chewing what I write with.

Is rise in sugar prices good for fat people?

What is a giffen goods really?

Is it only bread buns sold to unskilled Afro- American workers by the Democrats in 1910? The economists should move on.

Rise is sugar price might seem like people will reduce its intake, but thats when the giffin's law comes in. Since price of sugar rises, people just might substitue sugar to other products they cannot really afford now. Then the elasticity of demand for sugar becomes backward sloping.

Everyone needs sugar in their life. They need it more, when its costly.

The pink elephant is sitting on the sofa

It is so on our face.

What is going on. Life with all its logical reasoning seems improbable. Something is wrong somewhere. There is something about life and all existence that doesn’t add up.

The often ignored fabric of the universe is so fundamental to all that is. There is an obvious question that is inherently screamed at us in every motion we perceive. Why are we not amazed?

At the base of everything is emptiness. Why are we not able to perceive this pointless vacuum of dark silent inactivity that would eventually nullify anything we do.

No matter how our life changes, the stars would always remain the same.

Aurobindo's full name was not Rabindra Nath Tagore!

“But I thought you were a Rabindra Nath fan”

That was Richa when she saw a confused look on my face when she got me a Sri Aurobindo’s picture from Podicherry.

She though Sri aurobindo’s full name was Rabindra Nath Tagore!!

Rabindra Nath Tagore was a great poet, novelist, short-story writer, essayist, playwright, thespian, educationist, spiritualist, philosopher, internationalist, cultural relativist, orator, composer,song-writer, singer, artist. Itz insulting when you call such a great person by a name, what is not his name. Knowing her, I did not take offence. She actually thought Boston Tea party was an actual party attended by the Democrats.

I remember her in college when we had anyone’s birthday celebration. She would be drawn by the smell of it. She was capable of snatching the cake from the birthday girl’s/boy’s mouth and chewing it in front of her/him

When she got placed she remarked- “I am so happy that I am not hungry.”

She ate anyway.

If I was asked to sum her philosophy of life, I would first pretend to think. Then would attempt to word it in the following sentence-

One shouldn’t be so attached to a cake, that he/she cant even eat it.

I found a key, but I dunno what it opens.

What would you do with a key which doesn’t open anything you can think of?

I found it in a box. Its one of those boxes where I keep things, I am not sure what to do with. Although I never use them, I never find a heart to throw them away.

I guess everyone has such a box.

The key is a long one. It looks like it opens something more concrete than those loose locks that can be thrown. It surely opens something that is attached to the wall like an cupboard or something.

Some people collect such keys. All the keys would be stacked together somewhere, along with the extra keys (duplicate of a key they are actively using), which they refer to in case they are not able to open something. I think it makes them feel like they have the situation under control at any point.

Anyway, this is my first encounter with an unknown key. The decision I take would be crucial as it will determine my future decisions regarding keys.

As of now, writing a blog on it did not help.

My factual nightmare

Although this post might make me seem like a wanna-be, I have decided to risk it.

As a child I had a nightmare which is hard to describe. It would come to me when I would be alone, generally in the middle of the night. It was like the silence before the storm. Something would be moving so smoothly like itz almost evil. It would gain speed at an accelerating rate. It could not be controlled. Its like something would rise so big inside me that my limited self would be afraid of it. It’s like the fear of looking down from a height which is increasing exponentially every passing moment. A feel of getting away from everything that is familiar. The happenings would appear irreversible. Itz like a feel of being trapped in something uncomfortable with no perceptible escape. Like we are going deeper and deeper in the depths of the ocean with no sign of life. Like a lift that takes you under- towards our planetary centre. Something that is already bad is getting worse very smoothly and without any resistance. The walls would appear smooth in the dim lights only affirming this feel. The fan would form a rhythmic beat which would get in line with what was going inside me. Its like a soft whisper trying to seduce my mind into what appeared evil or unpleasant, nevertheless irresistible. Something would be closing in on my very fast. Its speed suggested that it should have already reached me, but somehow it wouldn’t but its speed kept on increasing. It was like a sleeping giant has been awoken very gently inside me, and itz too late to control him.

In those times, I failed to deny the feeling. They were as real to me as anything I can see, touch or hear physically. At that moment, it was to me- factual. All my capabilities of being self aware would be lost, loosing all control of everything. Everything collapsed in a strange sense of chaos. I was so lonely and afraid of myself.

Many years later, I had that feeling again, while doing twin heart meditating. I somehow knew what was going on inside my body. I got a sense of its source. From that day onwards the feeling never came back. Although I vaguely remember my nightmare, now, I cannot experience the feel of it.

All humbled, I see who lead me to my present.

Yawning is not the best HR strategy!

When someone yawns in front of me, I for a fraction of seconds feel like my life is a painful burden with no objective whatsoever and everything I do would eventually lead to boredom and inactivity and therefore death. My thinking rate slows down. Everything around me starts happening in slow motion.

When Agnes told me she was going for an interview, I was very worried about something. "Please don't yawn or sit with you arms crossed at any point of the interview, no matter how sleepy you just might feel. "

During MBA, we would often spot Agnes yawning with arms crossed in a very disturbing fashion. Oblivious to those who watched she would actively engage herself with this daring act of stretching her every muscle in and around her mouth with minimum or no effort to constrain herself to match the social setting she would phisically be in completely disregarding anything that goes on in her background.

Sometimes she would yawn while I was talking to her. She wouldnt even wait for me to complete the sentence, however relevant they might be. I think it was also her feedback mechanism.

Now she is an HR manager of a prospering company. I am very worried. Yawning catches up and spread very fast. Think what would happen to a company where the HR manager is always yawning. It would not exactly be very motivating.

An HR manager should never yawn.

I wish I could title this without using words

Whats with words anyway? Can I not communicate anything without them? Isnt thought different from thought quality? Is that why everyone insists to hear it from the horses mouth, bringing in an additional dimension people don't understand? We should realise that spoken words are mere sounds not meaning anything more than random noises we hear in our daily lives, unless they are spoken without thoughts. Thoughts are lies we tell ourselves unless we realise the plurality of the content. The problem comes when the plurality confuses more than limiting things to one reality. Thats why reality remains only in our minds which most people anyway consider unreal. Thats the problem with creation and all itz fragmentation. We cannot think from the base. Every thought when expressed should have an inherent question- "Where does words originate?" or why is it that a particular sound thought by me refers to something definite in this comparatively relative world. I sometimes indirectly ask people- "How is it to find yourself living as a thinker different than me?" May be I ask the question wrong but the answer is still pending. A wrong question cannot conclusively mean it does not have an answer. Answers are like infinity. They raise more questions than they answer. Thats the problem with modern science in all itz glory. We need acknowledgement of the unreal. Thats when we stop walkin straight and look for equations in oceans. When each waves may not relate to an accurate equation but just might happen to be the result of it. Thats what people mistook at probability. Einstein literally and intellectually spit on such unmathematical theorems. Thats where his belief overtook his intellectual capacity. He simply acknowledged the source of where his thoughts came from. His surrender was his acknowledgement to the (as Adam Smith would put it) invisible hand. This means you should lock your doors even when you believe in God. In todays world buying stamps would be like inventing a time machine and going back time. We forget to greet a postmen disrespect of what letter he brings. Sun shines disrespect of evolution as the survival of the fittest also depends on the source from where this theory also comes. All argument can dissolve when we talk of space or time. "Space" and "time" are the two most misunderstood terms. If we understand any of the two words, our life would change within a fraction of what we call seconds. This could seem impossible as we give too much importance to time. We should consider time without the continuity of space. Thats when our thoughts would fail us and bring us back to our foundation of this existence. The very definition of time is by space. The very opposite is also true. Everything we say, may be true only when the very opposite is also a possibility. This means that the word inherent has no use in our language as someting inherent has no need to be pointed out. The very subject would fails itz cause. I think thats why people dont get the ultimate answers to "Who am I?". If you knew the question properly, your logical mind and emotional ability would have nothing else to react to. Perfection may not lead to the end we desire. We need to tread the path nevertheless. Its like following the light without impulsive desires. We dont enjoy the feeling after something good is over. I guess living in the moment is not over rated. All theories of life combined would ask me to stop typing words which cannot be concluded thus not giving us concrete results. How can something that is concrete make way for thought as its beyond time and space. What if there was no time. I would have to be one thing forever. Then I would get no time to also choose what I want to be. Then I could not be blamed for being what I shouldnt be. If we extended this concept, a philosopher could say there is no good or bad. That itself is a bad statement. The philosopher cannot possibly argue as then he would have to loose his consciousness and become one with all that is indefinite, therefore by the philosophy of time, imortal. Immortals cannot argue as they cannot communicate with the immortals. Thats why an average mind cannot conceive them. Itz almost like definition of a God. God is not really a definition but recognition of the indefinable. Everything cannot be defined by this mere existence. We cannot deny our thoughts. We are more than out phisical self. Its as true as this phisical universe with all itz exacting laws combines. A flower is always incorrectly conceived by a physicist. A poet can only believe that the miner standing next to a gold mine is lying. Itz like playing with a pen next to one's eye lid. There is a reason we close our eyes. The truth might not be the best outcome destined for a naked man with only colours to recognise that thoughts are just indications to all that is physical and secondary to what they percieve to be themselves. All these words really mean the same thing. I cant think of a specific word for it. Just ask yourself "Who is it that is reading this specific line." If we hold on to this thought, our life may change within splits of seconds as time looses any meaning. That also is true for space, all form of life or even this specific line. Please think. Cows are not really abducted by aliens. Itz what the impossibility of existence itself makes us belief. Thats what humour is all about. Laughing at anything that goes against what we are made to believe normal, as impracticle it may be. If writing this is a proof to my existence, creation is a proof to God. How can I believe in what is proven. Thats where my sense of humour comes in. Thats when the joker laughs at us and questions what we call humanity and itz assumuptions. He is not different, but simply more curious. His eyes have the temporary solution where eventuality seems like nothingness in vacuum without the dimention of time, space and the theory of continuity. Lets stop living without a voice. Lets not say things that has already been spoken. Make a new sound. It just might mean more than words. Just like words never limit a poet's imagination, we should say things without meaning. It seems like I have been writing forever. But there has to be a start point. All lights have a beginning which is different from its source. Lets not pretend we have it all figured out. A penguin would think we look weird. We should atleast give them the benefit of doubt, or atleast there ice caps. I am not sure what ozone layer is but it doesnt look good. Our life should be no different than penguins. Inaction would not be the result of laziness but due to understanding of the ultimate eventuality disrespect of our action which are almost negligible given the universe we conceive or pretend to conceive or doing both at the same time. I hope, what I was trying to say was a little help to confuse you so that you were atleast aware of the non- factual chaos.Awareness is the first step towards disregarding evolotionary plan. Itz like a kid knowing there is no Santa Clause.

Keep it real. Long live words.

Its not in the nature of our mind to comprehend free fall!

Are my shortcommings natural to me?

I was argued that they are. I disagree.

Naturally, I am a self proclaimed, God sent, pure, super perfect, extremely intelligent genius with no deficiencies whatsoever. My imperfections are reflections of all that is not natural to me or mind.

Its not in the nature of water to drown someone. So what? Nevertheless people drown when nature takes its course.

A free fall might seem like an impossibility. Thats just because it cannot happen physically.

Burn all the litmus paper, or eat it.

I remember doing little experiments in lab with litmus papers. If it turned red, we could conclude the sample was an acid and if it turned blue, we could conclude it was a base. So far so good.

But why does the litmus paper change its colour? Why does the difference between acids and bases exists in the first place? What makes the chemicals react in the same way all the time given certain defined factors? How is it that we find ourselves surrounded by these all pervasive extremely accurate and precise laws of universe which has a complete and inevitable command over our physical existence to the very last decimal point in any given space and time? What really is time and space anyway with context to my mind? Who am I and what is it that I find myself living?

I guess modern science has enslaved us with their intimidating theories making us too lazy and therefore incapable to interpret life for ourselves pretending to do the thinking for the rest of us. Any solution they give would raise follow-up questions which would in turn lead to the base of stuff which can unfortunately only be explained by the unexplainable.

We need to look inside to find the little kid who asks a lot of questions with their inaccurate but innocent accent. See things as if you are looking at it for the same time. Be amazed by everything that may or may not exist. Act like a kid. Either burn or eat all the litmus paper. Modern science can pretend they have all the answers.

But what about our follow up question?

Where do all my pens go?

Whatever happens to all my pens.

I am buying pen for the last 20 years but I still don't have a pen.

I take a pen every week from office stationary. I don't know what it feels like when one runs out of ink while writing a pen. I have never experienced it.

I have lost so many pens itz not funny. Where do all of them go? They must be somewhere.

If you think about it, my question in itself is faulty. If I knew where they go, I wouldn't have really lost it.

I guess these are things I will never know, by definition. Just like we would never know if the refrigerator's light really closes when we close its door.

Catch myself sleep

I have made many unsuccessful attempts to catch myself sleep. I guess my unconscious will never get to meet my conscious mind!!!

I lie on the bed all aware of thoughts. I try to closely follow the chain of what I am thinking so that I can track my last thought before I get unconscious due to the sleep. It mysteriously never works.

I sometimes have another problem. I become aware of my thoughts and before I realise it, the awareness becomes my thoughts. The more I try to fight it, it gets more complicated. Well, I am fighting it out in my thoughts. I think about what I shouldn't be thinking and as the chain of thoughts progresses I loose track of the exercise.

How am I suppose to tell my mind not to think anything, without thinking?

To incorrectly quote Shakespeare (he said this in Latin)- "It is dream stuff we are made of."

Trust me, this one thought can change your life upside down in a fraction of seconds. Just like only when someone is woken up from his sleep and realises all he/she was dreaming is unreal (while asleep the dream seems real), life just could be a sleep where our every comprehension is a dream and therefore unreal.

Someone just might wake me up in some other world and I would stop dreaming, and everything as I shift my consciousness out cease to exist.

I am never confident about buying fruits

Some people over indulge themselves in buying fruits.

When I visit the fruit monger there would be people who act like fruit experts. They will press the fruit a little. Toss it like they are trying to feel the weight of the fruit. They will turn it around checking the colour all around it. They will select each fruit with so much care.

Although I have all due respect to those guys, I avoid eye contacts. I can feel their judging eyes when I stand there not touching the fruits I am buying.

Buying fruits make me feel dumb. So I pretend to understand fruits. I copy them. I act very choosy. I randomly pick up the fruits pretending a lot of thought has gone behind my selection.

In Gita (Chapter 18- Moksha Sanyas yog) its written-

"O Arjuna, when one ..............renounces all material association and all attachment to the fruit, his renunciation is said to be in the mode of goodness"

Well, atleast I only pretent to be attached to them.

Discussion in English on the importance of Hindi

A group of young friends meet after a long time. They sat all night discussing patriotism and itz implications on language with context to its objective in relation to India. We had clearly run out of conversations.

All argued the importance of hindi in English. Everyone said Hindi should be given more importance than state languages as it could unite India. Also, it made patriotic sense.

I have logically thought myself out of patriotism. To me someone saying Hindi should be learned by all Indians is as bad a logic as someone saying Marathi should be learned by all Marathis.

Everyone contributed. Lohit called me a hypocrite as I carried a passport. In my defence, getting a passport was not an emotional decision. Harsha backed her incorrect logic with unheard, generalised , possibly incorrect, qualitative data quoting no source of the information. She said things like learning Hindi can help people earn their living. Well if you learn Marathi, you can drive taxis in Mumbai (Hehehehehe). There were points when Deon's eyes rolled up as if he is trying to make up his mind. Every time he did that he gave me some hope that I would have some support only to shatter it almost immediately. I am sure Shradha made some good points which I cannot recall (I am not sure if this is relevant to the topic, but one of Shradha's aunt try to speak Gujrati to me. I dint know how to react. I dint). Richa used an approach of falsifying the opponent's point by proving it redundant thereby confirming her point due of lack of choice. She asked-

"If not Indian then what is one's identity?"

"Before you ask this question, you have to ask yourself who is it that is asking the question."

There was no follow up question. Agnes had had it.

"If you dont shut up, I will lock you up in the room with Sherwin and Mili."

They were in the room confirming their newly discovered identities more than anyone to themselves. If objective of language is communication, they were communicating the highest form of human emotion- love, but not in Hindi.

Also, Agnes should have considered before making such statements how awkward it would have made the three of us feel.

Christian marriage and a contextual priest

When I met Sherwin for the first time, I thought he was already married.

Recently he did get married to the love of her life. Now we can truly say- Sherwin ko koi Mili.....hehehe (By my immediate previous joke, my blog reaches a new low.)

I will never forget the father who presided over his wedding. He tried too hard to be contextual. He had this exceptional ability to take unrelated things with his flawed logic and relate it to the present occasion.

He opined since Sherwin was orginally from Middle East, he would bring international standards in SBI. He also said since Sherwin had specialised in Engineering, knowing computers helps a man think logical and therefore Sherwin would be a good husband.

Nevertheless, he also said, since Mili professionally worked with the Deaf and the Dumb, she could help Sherwin communicate with her better.

Sherwin had one complain with the priest. During the marriage Father did not ask him to kiss the bride. He approached me to get them remmaried. I did not agree-

"But for that I would either need to buy a ship or take a vow of celibacy"

I would rather have him kiss her in his own personal time.

May God bless their happy ending :)

I am not good at tearing papers in a straight line

Where do you record pieces of information which you need only for a few minutes?

There are times in office when I have to quickly write down some information like phone numbers, a figure, a name etc. Mostly the information's utility lasts for maximum an hour before we can move on with our normal lives.

For this, I tear pieces of papers from the back of my reletively empty note pad in an extremely disturbing manner. Its very embarrasing, specially if someone is watching. I have realised- I am just not gifted in tearing papers straight.

I also have a stick-on but I use it very sparingly. Before writing anything on it, I mentally calculate whether the piece of information is worth wasting a stick-on paper. I generally end up not using it.

My office life would be much easier, if I could tear papers in a straight line.

The call

Someone calls me in silence.

I find myself too preoccupied with more unimportant things to do than answer my own voice of silence. I stare at the truth and choose the unreal. I consciously pick the underdog.

The day I was aware of the call (thanks to pranic healing), my life changed. Its like someone telling you the end of a murder mystery book/movie. I cannot ignore it anymore. I reached a point of no return.

Sometimes when I am enjoying with my friends in a party, I hear a whisper. Everything fades into the background. I know the unreal. I continue with awareness for a while before my distractions gets louder.

Day after day, I forget to pay attention to my silence, but atleast itz somewhere there popping up at every given opportunity never giving up on me.

Sometimes, I look into a mirror with amazement as my search into how I find myself living echoes through my eyes. I feel scared of myself.

I have had sleepless nights with such thoughts.

My life needs a footnote

I have a problem- I forget to catch myself think what I think.

Sometimes, when the "evening shadows deapen", I ask myself some fundamental questions. How has any of those hundred billion thoughts I had through out the day made any difference to me or this planet in the long or short run?

I have spent 20 years of my life without a footnote.

Thats where my thoughts came in. I had had it with my inattentive thoughts. I typed in bold letters using impact font and took the print.

I hung what was not just a piece of paper but my sole source of light showing me the first step to the path leading to as some Tibetans would like to call it Tao and hung it on the board next to my computer.

"Be aware of your thoughts"

I wonder what I was thinking.

Map and a mirror

Its very scary.

If you look into a mirror, that is placed in front of another mirror, the reflection goes on till infinity. I had a similar feeling.

I was looking into a map. The map also pointed to the location where the map was placed. So if the map was live, something similar should happen.

There is a reason why maps and mirrors are not real.

Tortoise's planetory support (a new year thought)

All the office decorations is reducing my productivity.

I dont believe in new years. What changes really? Only the unit of measurement. Itz not like our planet is starting a new revolution around the sun. We dont know from what point Earth started revolving around sun.

Once upon a time and space, there lived a great scientist. He was explaining how Earth rotated around the sun. One woman disagreed-

"The truth is that our planet is supported by tortoise".

The point Stephen Hawkings was trying to make was that the story of the tortoise is as vague as any of the scientific theories about the universe. Time and again people like Aristotle, Galileo and Einstien have proven existence science incorrect. I have no reason to believe the current science.

I would celebrate new years once we find out from what point the Earth actually starts its revolution around the sun.